I had a realisation today.

Maybe I learnt to let go of the bitterness, maybe I finally learnt to let go of the attachment to the pain I have experienced.. But today I thought about what I have been through and I felt gratitude.
I realised this pain was my becoming... The pain was my purification, my awakening to myself and to my karmic duty here on Earth.

I went through years and years of self-abuse, destruction and pain. I used to feel a victim of my illness, I used to feel angry about it.. "why me?'
But I am no longer bitter about what happened to me, I realise now all of this was a blessing. This experience was such an essential part of my journey. If I had not experienced this, If I had not broken myself completely; I would never have learnt how to rebuild myself into the person I am today.

This person is now here to serve and heal others, to teach others from what I have learnt. I now know happiness and peace; but I am only able to realise and appreciate that because I have experienced true pain and despair. This awakening is a result of the pain I had to endure. I had to endure immense pain to see the immense beauty in life that I now see.

Others will learn from this. My duty here now is to heal... I will heal through sharing what I have learnt along this journey of self discovery. I am no longer ashamed of my story.
So here it is..

My name is Zana O'Connell and I am recovering from anorexia nervosa, anxiety and depression. I suffered from age 17 with mental health problems, I had therapy for around 4 years and was prescribed a lot of strong drugs to mask the symptoms. Eventually it got too bad and I went into an ED inpatient hospital where I spent 3-4 months undergoing intense re-feeding and this is where my awakening began. The doctors and therapists were part of my journey.. but it was me that saved myself.
I decided to live. I decided to truly live.

From that day forward I chose life. I began to become aware of my thoughts and realised I had a choice over them. I could shape my own reality through the power of my thoughts. I became stronger and my awareness became more powerful day by day. I learnt how to turn my weaknesses into my strength. I revolutionised my own life. Day by day.
I let all my emotions flow through me without becoming attached to them. Sadness, anxiety or worry no longer enveloped me into deep depression, I no longer attached myself to moments of happiness because I saw that this wasn't sustainable always.
We have to feel. We have to feel it all... good, bad, happy, sad, angry, grateful, blissful, lost... we are human beings and we are designed to feel all emotions. This is our power, our strength. Let it just flow through you without attaching your entire identity on one state of being.

Writing, reading, yoga and meditation were a huge part of my journey, and still are. I am still on this journey, note earlier I wrote 'recovering..' I will always be in recovery.. because of the way my brain works, I will always be pre-dispositioned to be susceptible to addiction, depression, etc... It is very easy to slip back in to unhealthy thought processes. It is a conscious effort to stay on track and to stay 'in recovery' as it were.
This is why I seek those things and those people that keep me at peace with myself. Yoga and meditation for me are the simplest ways to restore that inner focus and balance. This is why I came to be a teacher, I heal through my teaching and this is, I have discovered, my life work. To heal, to build others up and teach through what I have experienced.
Today I had two students reach out to me after class, I had a friend connect me with a friend of theirs who's daughter is having a hard time.. It was a morning which made me very aware that I am on my correct path. That all of that pain was worthwhile.
This is what it was for. For the lessons I have learnt will help others, my pain is my power now.

My name is Zana O'Connell and I am no longer a victim of what I have been through. I have been through a lot but I am no longer attached to my story. I am grateful for life, for its lessons and for all I have experienced. I am open to receive these blessings from the universe.. be it pleasant or unpleasant; I am not afraid of feeling.
My emotions are my strength. For I feel, sometimes I feel it all so much if feels like it will spill out of me... But what a beautiful thing it is to feel, to experience pain and experience love. We are spiritual beings, blessed with this ability to feel.
I am open to wherever this journey takes me, and those I touch along the way. I am realising my calling and it is a beautiful thing indeed.

With love x


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