Showing posts from 2014

When we became strangers.

Your name pops up in my newsfeed. Boom. And there it is, like a rug suddenly pulled beneath my feet it all floods back.. We were everything, and now, we're... Nothing? When did it happen that we became such strangers? I think it makes me sad, but I'm not sure. Life is funny like this. People, they come and they go. They leave little imprints on our hearts which will always remain, their traces still linger in our memories.. A history written together can never be erased.  Not even time can remove such things, time sometimes makes the pain we caused each other a little less... But it can never take away those delicious memories we made. Those special times reserved for only you and I to remember. How wonderful is that.. The uniqueness of a memory?
Perhaps it will always stay there.. I hope it will. So one day when I'm old and my life has slowed down, I can sit and remember all these people and all these magical moments my memory chooses to hold on to. This is the story of my …

The number of sprouts.

I put another sprout on my plate. I take it off, I pause.. Put it back on. Obviously, this is a critical decision. It sounds ridiculous, but in that moment it is everything. And that's what it does to you.. Anxiety. On the surface, I'm a million times the crumple of a person I was when anxiety and mental illness controlled my life... But in these moments of unnecessary procrastination; it is obvious how it still weeds it's poison into my life.
I'll spend hours walking around shops, picking things up, putting them back. I'll leave mail unopened and emails and messages days before replying. I can try in ten outfits on a morning before leaving the house, but that's okay.. because I'm a girl, right?? I recently spent at least twenty minutes trying to choose a bottle of wine in Sainsburys. I avoid decisions like the plague. I've lost confused friends over the years. Ive let good men go in my own confusion. Is it fear? of hurt? Of commitment? A desire for unatt…

Sunrise chasing.

My previous post, Sunrise for Breakfast, described the pleasure I had taken in appreciating one of the most beautiful sunrises I've seen in a long time last month in London..
Since then, catching the sunrise has fast become one of my favourite parts of the day. 
I've been staying in Yorkshire, in Otley, as I've been shooting a lot with a company in Leeds. To be at the studio for 9am I have to wake up well before dawn and get myself on one of those tiresomely long local buses which never fails to be late and definetely does go around ALL the houses before it reaches Leeds.  However, instead of getting frustrated and exhausted by this now almost daily commute.. I've accepted and learnt to see the beauty in it. I have almost an hour to myself, to sit, to drink my coffee and to watch as the sun makes it's way into the sky.. Each day differently, yet always so beautifully and incredibly calming to watch.
I've come to rather love these morning spent travelling through to…

Hello December.

December is upon us, the last month of the year already! Goodness, I'm not sure how that happened.. But suddenly all the warmth of autumn has faded and the frosty mornings and dark nights have crept in, and it's most definitely time to dig out the cosy jumpers and hot water bottles and welcome in the festive fun. I'm more than happy to get well and truly into the seasons festivities this year, especially as I will be spending December in England this year.. There is no beach, no blue skies to make Christmas seem such a far away distant thing this time around; and if I'm going to be in chilly England.. I'm going to indulge completely in all things festive. Bring the mulled wine and tinsel! 
Part of my British cynicism wanted to resent the world beginning it's Christmas celebrations back in November. But really.. I love it. I see no problem in cosying down and making the most of the holiday which brings light to such a dark, cold time of year. Those sparkling light…

Sunrise for breakfast.

Last week while I was in London, I was invited for breakfast by the river with a new friend. This was one of the first times I've actually been invited for breakfast, and what a wonderful experience..
I'm a morning person; I love waking up early and seeing more of the day... There's a revitalising feeling of renewal and fresh-starts that come with morning time, we have a whole new day ahead of us to enjoy and make the most of. 
And I love breakfast, it's my favourite meal of the day. It's always involves my two favourite things - coffee and fruit! I posted a blog during the summer about my love for breakfast time and how wonderful it is to be able to take time and enjoy.. Enjoying and sharing with friends and loved ones makes the process even more special.
This particular morning was made even more magical by awakening early to an incredible rose-coloured sunrise. Had I not awoken early for my breakfast-meeting I would have missed this beautiful sight.. All I would ha…


She.'She was the thunder in the night,The storm that leaves destruction in its wake. She was so fearless, so awake it scared me, But it was the most beautiful I've ever felt. As I watched her dance barefoot that time, We were alive. And the world itself couldn't stop us.'
- Zana O'Connell

Healing air

I've just arrived back in London after a wonderfull weekend spent up north with my friends and family.. This break was prompted by an appointment up in Leeds on the Thursday, but I welcomed the opportunity to take advantage of that and gave myself a long weekend off.. 
It was JUST what I needed without even realising it. I feel revitalised and connected again.. Sometimes we just have to take a little time to step back and ground ourselves; spending time back home with my family does just that for me.  At the moment work seems to require me living out a suitcase, commuting back and forth from my home in Birmingham to London and all the little places work takes me inbetween, I dont mind this at all.. But it can be hard to keep a sense of rhythm and normality, and to be honest I was beginning to feel drained of life. Along with juggling some difficult personal stuff.. I was feeling more than a little spun out. Having a few days to just sit back and relax, drink wine with friends and fami…

Feeling the way...

Having courage is not never falling, never crying, never admitting defeat... Courage is that strength to keep going, day after day. To believe in yourself and your dreams.
If I'm honest, my courage has been tried the last couple of weeks. A combination of factors that have come my way have been trying to pull me under, to make me break my strength.. But each day I remind myself to keep going.  We HAVE to keep ourselves on track, keep in the direction of our destiny... We are the only one that can save ourselvesand it is more important than ever when life is testing that strength to remember what it is that you desire, that brings you happiness.. And keep going with relentless faith in the journey of life. 
It can be really very draining retaining this hope sometimes; people often comment on what a positive, uplifting person I am... But nobody can be that way 100% of the time, it's amazing what a smile can do, can cover.. But we are all human. We all feel. In some ways I&…

Being limitless.

Because we are capable beyond what we know. Because we are stronger than we believe. Because we are bigger than our mind can comprehend. Our energy is collosal, it will always be. Our deepest desires know no boundaries. 
Feel them. See your direction. See all that you can be. Have no fear. Know you are limitless. 
Trust in the process of life, what is meant to be, it will be.  And enjoy the ride.
With love x

Making the connection.

October 2nd
Three days ago marked a rather monumental day. Not only was it my big sisters birthday, which brought me back home to Birmingham for some good O'Sister time and it a little wine.. But it was also World Day for Animals, and a day where a campaign was born - #fastagainstslaughter. A worldwide fast in solidarity of the billions of animals that suffer each day.  It was chosen by FarmUSA to be on this day because it falls also falls on Gandhi's birthday... A man who's years of protests and fasts brought about so much positive change.
When factory-farmed animals are being taken to slaughter they are often subjected to periods of around 12 hours or longer without food or water. After a life without an ounce of kindness or care; they are deprived of the very basic necessities in their final hours, before being, often very brutally, murdered. (More info about the pledge in the link below if anyone wants to read more)
So on October 2nd I proudly joined thousands of others i…

Heather hills

Heather hills rolled by,My train speeding me to you. I loved how your eyes crinkled and you held the door.
It wasn't like the other times,  With you I was in another place. This place was other-worldly, where time and space became a blur. Dreamlike almost. Infact, it all blurred like a room filled thick with foreign smoke. That heady fog was glorious.
Was I dreaming? Long nights, warm air.. You held the liquor and I drank hard. While I spoke of things you said you didn't understand, You would hold me; and in silence I knew everything.'
-Zana O'Connell

All the colours of living.

'Dont lose yourself in those pools Of negativity my dear, Keep swimming and you will see Beyond your fears, This world is not the darkness, You believe it to be, Soon all the beautiful colours Of living will set you free.'
- Zana O'Connell

Ocean eyes.

'Looking into your ocean eyes I felt all the magic of the world.Drowning. You showed me a place only we could see. Electric soul. We were superhuman somehow.
It wasn't that type of love, but it was magical. It will always be. Magical. My ocean eyes.'
- Zana O'Connell 

Close your eyes my dear.

'Like all the magical things in the world,You must close your eyes to see them.'
- Zana O'Connell

Lemon Sugar

'Something magical happens when you let go,When you open yourself up to the world, And let all of it's colours flood in and curse through your cracks, Like lemon sugar on a drizzle cake.
It fills your cracks and splits with magical colours, the sweetness that only a lifetime of living can bring.'
- Zana O'Connell

We can change the world, he said.

'Standing before me, is the shadow of a man,Who dreamed of a revolution.
I dreamed of a revolution.'

- Natty, Revolution.

Last weekend I came to London, where I'm staying for a couple of weeks working. I am blessed to have some wonderful friends around me; one of which being an old family-friend Dan who's home he is so kindly sharing with me for my stay.  A true angel. Sometimes people show themselves in your life and have a dramatic impact on you without even trying, they bring out all your colours. I've felt more alive and vibrant than I have in a long time being here, surrounded by Dan, our conversation and his wonderful friends. I've talked more, really talked. Real conversation, conversation with deep understanding.. what a personal revolution.  I often find myself struggling with speaking the words in my mind, which is simply down to lack of practice, but the last week my voice has begun to grow in confidence.. The words that I believe are coming out of my mou…

What it is to be real.

To be real.
It can be a difficult thing in a world so filled with material dependancies. We live our days in this society so dictated by money and worth and others. Retaining self and realness can get lost along the way.
We're all guilty of it. We find ourselves discussing image, possessions and fame almost on a daily basis, especially in my line of work, modelling... It can be unavoidable; but surviving in that requires effort in mindfulness towards self, what it is that is truly important to us. And fundamentally that must always be our values, our personality, our loved ones, our passions and our unique indifferences. 
Those little quirks, that little bit (or a lot) of madness we all have is what keeps us real. It is what makes one different from the next, what sparks our interest in another. If we are all cardboard cut-outs of the next, life blurs into a muddle of dullness. What is a life of textbook, correctness?! We must break boundaries, push ourselves out of the box of samen…

A poem by a man named William.

I want to share with you a beautiful poem by William Davies... Words to inspire a life with time to stand and stare and in that, live. Absorb and enjoy. With love x

What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare.
No time to stand beneath the boughs And stare as long as sheep or cows.
No time to see, when woods we pass, Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.
No time to see, in broad daylight, Streams full of stars, like skies at night.
No time to turn at Beauty's glance, And watch her feet, how they can dance.
No time to wait till her mouth can Enrich that smile her eyes began.
A poor life this if, full of card, We have no time to stand and stare.
- William H Davies 1871-1940

Pinch. Punch..

The first of the month.
Yes, September is upon us. Another new month has begun. And today, in true British-weather style, it is raining. But instead of the usual greyness that often evokes, today I am filled with a sense of renewal. As though the rain falling on the ground is cleansing, washing away old, staleness and bringing with it fresh new life and growth. Perhaps that is a reflection more of my inner-self, but it is nice to notice the rain in a different light. It is nice not to always have negative associations.
I have been home in the UK around a month now; and it has actually been an interesting month. Usually my time back home can be a little slow and sameness often starts to happen. But since moving my base to Birmingham, away from my hometown I feel free. In a similar way to that that I feel when I'm travelling, here I am not known and whenever that happens it gives us the chance to develop our identity.
Over the last month I've had some wonderful times, I've seen …

Watch it bloom.

The last few weeks have been interesting for me... I'm back in England where the weather is decidedly less tropical and my shoes get wet a lot more often, but the advantage is that here I am closer to all the people I love... I can reconnect and that is a wonderful. I've had some lovely time with my sisters and some close friends.However, I haven't taken advantage of being closer to my loved ones as much perhaps as I expected to have... So firstly I want to apologise to those I haven't seen since I came back. But I can only put that down to a mixture of logistics and my requirement actually for a little personal time right now. Some inner-growth is beginning to flower; some that needs nurturing and listening to carefully so that it can grow.. Into what I'm not quite sure and sometimes the magnitude of where our minds are able to go can be quite overwhelming, but I am at a point where my mind is exploring.. It knows there is more to life than my eyes currently see, …

Taste the sweetness.

This is a beautiful quote by Louise Erdrich from The Painted Drum, I think it speaks for itself...

With love x

Rainy days with a sunny heart.

"They say it aint necessarily so; things aint always what they seem, Its just the other man's grass, always looked so green, It's just the other man's grass, it always looked so green. You gotta hold on, Do what your heart says, You never know next time around, might see things your way." - C J Smith
These words of wisdom come in lyrical form from my very own pops, a man who I admire eternally for his passion and dedication to living the life he loves, and as he says here.. following his heart with hope. Hope is a wonderful thing... it isnt just dreaming or wishing, its believing in those dreams, that ambition, your destiny. Hope gives us reason to continue when times are difficult, when life tries to break us.. hope is what pulls us through;  hope for better days. Hope for a life of happiness.
And that is surely what all of us fundamentally desires. Humans are built with survival instinct, to survive, to live, to be free. But with freedom and survival come emotional neces…

Feeling free.

Freedom. It has many meanings..
From the literal sense of the natural freedom that comes with travelling and living each day differently, to mental freedom. And I don't just mean freedom from mental battles.. Because we all know that the health of our mentality is too complicated to catergorise so simple as freedom or not; happiness is a continuous journey, it takes daily effort in knocking down those walls our minds build through struggle to allow more beautiful things to grow in their place. Freedom in that degree is continuous.
For this I'm talking about that inner feeling of freedom of self. Letting go of all previous self-expectations and limitations and throwing caution and inhibition to the wind and just letting live. Being wild, being childish, doing all the things your heart desires without fear, embracing youth and feeling energy for life... This is living. 
There are two important factors here for me; friendship and sunshine. Two priceless things which can transform ou…