The number of sprouts.

I put another sprout on my plate. I take it off, I pause.. Put it back on. Obviously, this is a critical decision. 

It sounds ridiculous, but in that moment it is everything. And that's what it does to you.. Anxiety.

On the surface, I'm a million times the crumple of a person I was when anxiety and mental illness controlled my life... But in these moments of unnecessary procrastination; it is obvious how it still weeds it's poison into my life.

I'll spend hours walking around shops, picking things up, putting them back. I'll leave mail unopened and emails and messages days before replying. I can try in ten outfits on a morning before leaving the house, but that's okay.. because I'm a girl, right?? I recently spent at least twenty minutes trying to choose a bottle of wine in Sainsburys. I avoid decisions like the plague. I've lost confused friends over the years. Ive let good men go in my own confusion. Is it fear? of hurt? Of commitment? A desire for unattainable perfection? That voice that always says; what if you fail? What if you can do better? This is not enough.

Enough is never enough for perfectionism.

No, I'm no longer a victim to my illness. But as I stand at the counter amidst my sprout debacle; I see that I am accepting living in compromise to it. I've become accustomed to the strange rituals and things I've told myself I have to do; I've passed them off, excused them as 'quirks.' I've normalised wasting hours of my days walking glassy-eyed up and down the aisles and yes, I have to count my sprouts. But I am a fighter, and I will continue my battle.

Some people may be surprised to hear that I have to count my sprouts. A free-spirited person is not one to count such things surely?! And that is how I'm often referred to.. A 'free-spirit.' But what does it mean to be a that? I have a spirit of course, as do you.. And yes, I have freedom in many ways which others may not. Primarily because of the life my job demands. I don't have the ties and commitments of a regular job, or a house or a mortgage. I live out my suitcase, a life bound to the road. I travel, I seek adventure and variety.. And I do this because it is what my soul, or my 'spirit' you may say, desires. Listening to what my soul desires does bring freedom. But that freedom isn't because I don't work 9-5 everyday, five days a week... It's because my soul is satisfied. It doesn't feel caged, or restricted. It can breathe. And I HAVE to seek this to balance the hand anxiety tries to tighten around my neck. Going out each day and truly living breathes air back into my body and nourishes my soul. When my mind tries to wear down at my spirit; my soul knows how to lift it back up. I am always working on that inner set of scales, balancing the flow. 

My 'free-spirited' life is one I love, one I desire and wouldn't, couldn't change for the world. But I would not say that I always feel free. Freedom is a peculiar term, if we are talking literally... Then yes, to those who live the 9-5 life, my life has a lot of freedom. But in other ways, it brings a lot of restrictions. I have to be one hundred percent committed to my job, you have to offer your time uncompromisingly, and that may mean dropping everything with only a few hours notice and hopping on a plane or a train to some unknown place. No matter about the plans you made with your friends that weekend.. We work when the work demands, any time, any place, any hour. You have to always be available.

I'm sure it is no great bombshell for me to tell you; that being a model is not all the glamour people say it is. And this is for why.. It isn't the pressure or the diets or always being 'on form', it isn't the blisters caused by forcing your feet into numerous pairs of unnaturally high heels, and it isn't the waiting, though trust me.. There is a lot of that. 

It is that it is lonely. We spend the majority of our time on our own.  We travel alone, we eat alone and go to sleep alone. We move from model-flat to model-flat, we make friends then have to say goodbye. We work with different teams most days, there are no staff parties, no familiarity, no Secret-Santa and nobody who knows how we like our tea. We lose contact with the friends that tire of us cancelling, again. And that has been difficult.

Yet I have learnt, that those are the 'friends' I don't mind so much loosing.. Because real friendship is love, and  love is limitless. Love knows no boundaries.. It says I take you, just the way you are; quirks and all. Love respects each other's desires, without greed. Yet this type of love is rare. It is not the number in your Facebook friends list. It is not even half, or a quarter. It is probably those you can count on your hands. I know that I, when looking at my measly 5 or 6 Christmas cards on the windowsill comparatively to my Sisters; whose is filled with work colleagues, friends and neighbours, and probably friends of neighbours... I felt a little sad, that I had so little to show of the colossal love I feel around me. But when I sat and thought about why it is that I felt sadness; I see that it is simply that inbuilt fear of loneliness creeping in. All I need do is remind myself of the power of love, and how real love and real friendship knows no limits. It is not summed up in a card in the post, or in 'likes' on a FB post or in other smallprint. Real love is in acceptance of another just the way they are, always. It us in a silent knowing that the other is always there. It is the precious time you do spend together. And I am very grateful to the friends and family that I count on my hands, as they fill me with all the love of the world. In their small number, they are everything. And I am never alone.

This post has changed course a little, Christmas can be a very reflective time.. I meant to talk about living with mental battles; And somehow found myself on the topic of love.. But I suppose that is explainable in that love saves everything. When we focus on loving ourselves, and have the support and love from those around us, we can overcome anything. 

Though of course, the road is never easy, and it can be very long.. Though I'm no longer house-bound or unable to even eat my dinner as the decision over how many sprouts is just too difficult; I am still learning how to be free.. I will still pause and question myself, I'll probably always gave a to-do list as long as my arm. I may leave film choices to you and take my time comparing wine in the supermarket, and yes, sometimes I do still eat my dinner from a mug.. But these 'quirks' do not define me, they are just the remnants of what was once a colossal cage around me, the small pieces of the bars that I still carry around in my pocket, and as my hand brushes over them throughout the day.. These shards remind me of where I have been, and just how far I have come. And perhaps it is these small reminders that keep my face always to the light, perhaps it is that which spurs me to continue seeking adventure and freedom. Perhaps freedom for me means a lot more than where I am in the world, or what commitments I have. Literal freedom gives my spirit the freedom it needs to find balance. When I say I feel free, perhaps what I mean is that I feel peace. And that quiet peace found within ourselves is the most beautiful place to be. THIS is the place I seek most in the world.. My journey is always towards the serene beauty of inner peace. 

With love x