Breaking down to breakthrough..
'Sometimes we have to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough.' ...these words of my teacher here at teacher training, Christian really hit home yesterday..
After the first two weeks of training having gone by pretty successfully, I really wasn't expecting to have the day I had yesterday... We had a really intense morning, 3 hours in the hot room including a 90 minute class and a long mediation.. I went really deep within myself during the meditation, Ive had some personal things going on from home that I've been trying to keep out of my time here... Ive been trying so hard to focus only on this experience, the present moment, now. But it all reared itself up, Ive exhausted myself by resisting letting it in, so this time I simply surrendered and let myself feel it all..
It was a very emotional, yet freeing meditation... It allowed a little clarity and for that I am grateful.
But at the same time, it sucked so much from me that combined with trying to absorb all the information from my studies, the lectures, posture clinic etc that when we eventually got to teaching clinic later that day I was completely empty. It felt like everything I had studied had just gone straight through me, it was the first time that I got on the podium to teach and had total mind-melt.
I suppose I'd gotten so used to feeling fairly confident when I stepped up there; that stepping up and feeling this was really shook me.
Once the self-doubt steps in its pretty hard to claw back from it, I lost my flow of words a few times and left the podium feeling pretty deflated...
I haven't felt that the whole of the training.. I knew it was only my ego that was bruised, but even still, it can be hard to step above and look down and always make the right decisions about what we allow ourselves to feel.
Especially in such an intense and emotionally opening experience like we're having here at Teacher Training.
Christian's words really resonated with me though... I've experienced situations like this before where you have to really reach breaking point to make a break through.. so I'm just hanging onto that idea and putting my faith in the higher good and that this mid-point breakdown really is the start of a breakthrough, I blooming hope so!
.. I need all the strength and determination I can muster to power me through this last week and a half... My body is feeling the physical strain of the intense training, my brain is near on overflowing with information and my heart is fit to burst with all the emotions we are experiencing..
But as I said before, I am open to all... I am not afraid to feel. I am trying to take everything for what it is. To feel the lows as much as the highs. For everything is a part of this wonderful journey, and everything is helping me realise my highest ultimate potential and for that I accept the breakdowns, the exhaustion and the tears..
I can see now that my destiny, my karma yoga duty, is to serve others by teaching.. to help heal. And so long as I am following that path; I will always find happiness.
Namaste x
After the first two weeks of training having gone by pretty successfully, I really wasn't expecting to have the day I had yesterday... We had a really intense morning, 3 hours in the hot room including a 90 minute class and a long mediation.. I went really deep within myself during the meditation, Ive had some personal things going on from home that I've been trying to keep out of my time here... Ive been trying so hard to focus only on this experience, the present moment, now. But it all reared itself up, Ive exhausted myself by resisting letting it in, so this time I simply surrendered and let myself feel it all..
It was a very emotional, yet freeing meditation... It allowed a little clarity and for that I am grateful.
But at the same time, it sucked so much from me that combined with trying to absorb all the information from my studies, the lectures, posture clinic etc that when we eventually got to teaching clinic later that day I was completely empty. It felt like everything I had studied had just gone straight through me, it was the first time that I got on the podium to teach and had total mind-melt.
I suppose I'd gotten so used to feeling fairly confident when I stepped up there; that stepping up and feeling this was really shook me.
Once the self-doubt steps in its pretty hard to claw back from it, I lost my flow of words a few times and left the podium feeling pretty deflated...
I haven't felt that the whole of the training.. I knew it was only my ego that was bruised, but even still, it can be hard to step above and look down and always make the right decisions about what we allow ourselves to feel.
Especially in such an intense and emotionally opening experience like we're having here at Teacher Training.
Christian's words really resonated with me though... I've experienced situations like this before where you have to really reach breaking point to make a break through.. so I'm just hanging onto that idea and putting my faith in the higher good and that this mid-point breakdown really is the start of a breakthrough, I blooming hope so!
.. I need all the strength and determination I can muster to power me through this last week and a half... My body is feeling the physical strain of the intense training, my brain is near on overflowing with information and my heart is fit to burst with all the emotions we are experiencing..
But as I said before, I am open to all... I am not afraid to feel. I am trying to take everything for what it is. To feel the lows as much as the highs. For everything is a part of this wonderful journey, and everything is helping me realise my highest ultimate potential and for that I accept the breakdowns, the exhaustion and the tears..
I can see now that my destiny, my karma yoga duty, is to serve others by teaching.. to help heal. And so long as I am following that path; I will always find happiness.
Namaste x
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